Dailies #17

Wow, what can I say - sorry again that it has been so long. Not long after my last post - April 13th to be exact - a Friday 13th, Blaine called me agitated and sounding rather desperate. He said he was on his way home. I could tell by his voice that he had been drinking and I tried to persuade him to go back to his apartment, but to no avail. He insisted he was coming home. I spent the night in anxious anticipation of what I would face when he arrived, and then worry and fear when he didn't arrive. By mid morning I knew that something was wrong. After calling around I finally found him in jail. He had been arrested for OVI; I was able to drive up and bail him out, but I couldn't bail him out of the situation.

Since then life has been more of a roller coaster than usual. After his arrest he seemed to really settle down - I found out that he had failed to take his medicine for a few days before the incident and he promised he had learned his lesson and would take his medicine regularly. He put his mind into his studies and I really thought he might end up with an A and a couple of B's. But then depression hit again. He didn't go to school for two weeks and cut himself again.

We managed to get him back on track in time for finals and he managed to scrape by with passing grades. I spent days on edge and had to drive up sometimes twice a week. Now we face the consequences of his OVI. He went to court on the 26th and was sentenced to three days in jail, which he does this weekend, DUI school, and probation for two years, which will probably include mandatory counseling.

All I can say is

Years go by and days on end
And still I can't recall -
How I could smile with carefree joy
In that photo on the wall

You are there as well
Changeable eyes - this day blue
Grasping my hand
Half smiling at the camera

Where are those days of joy?
They slipped slowly out of sight
Still I hold your hand
And weep and hope and fight







Thought this article might be of interest.



ABC News: New Antidepressant Warning May Scare Patients From Needed Treatment

Dailies #16

Wow, when I logged in I couldn't believe how long it has been since the last post. I apologize to all who keep up with our story. My only excuse is that life intruded - but I will do my best to post more often. Since its been so long I have quite an update. Not long after my last post David had an appointment with the new Psychiatrist and the appointment seemed to go fairly well. He went in alone at first and then I was able to join him. The only thing that disturbed me was new details that David shared. He admitted that he thought people talked about him when he walked on campus. He even went so far as to say he heard them talking about him, but that he was able to tell himself that this truly couldn't be the case. Then he went on to describe how lately he had started having the feeling that someone was watching him when he was alone in his apartment. He felt that someone or something was going "to get me." The Psychiatrist appeared duly concerned about the paranoia and about his anxiety in class. Before I left for home I filled his prescriptions and filled his weekly containers, but he insisted on keeping the new anxiety medicine, clonipin with him. "Mom I'm fine. I will only take it when I need it." I hated arguing this point. After all, he is nineteen and needs to become more responsible for his own medicine, so I relented, also keeping in mind that the dose was low so I didn't think even the whole prescription could be deadly. Oh what mistakes we make. Over the next two days I only talked to him twice and he seemed to be rather spacey and then his speech was slurred. I sent my brother down; he checked on him, thought he had taken more than he was supposed to, but wasn't in any danger. The second evening he called me, his voice was not only slurred, but was filled with that pain I have come to know so well. I tried desperately to keep him on the phone while I motioned my daughter to call her uncle and send him over immediately. David kept saying that nothing really mattered. I told him his sister might be driving up to see him - he replied that she would be too late and hung up. Of course by this time I was panicking - we couldn't reach my brother - should I start to the car? But two hours, if he was harming himself I would be too late - should I call the police? - if I did he might lose his lease and if I was wrong that would be devastating to him - I tried my mom and thank the heavens she was driving, only a half an hour away from David. As she drove she called my brother again and reached him - he rushed down to find that David had consumed too much of the clonipin and had cut his wrist, but not deep enough to have been a suicide attempt. Mom got there and accessed the situation - he hadn't taken enough to be deadly - the cut was minor - he said he had done it to "relieve the pain" so he wouldn't kill himself. Mom talked to him awhile and got him something to eat; My brother and girlfriend stayed with him till my daughter got there to stay the night and we continued to trade off for the next few days.

Things have gotten much better since then - David's moods stabilized after a couple of days and we arranged for an old friend from school - whom we trust - to stay with him for awhile - the only major trial afterwards has been getting his winter quarter finished up - on top of everything he came down with a bad case of the flu a week later - so he ended up missing almost two weeks of class - but spring has sprung and I always attempt to remain hopeful - he has his next psychiatrist appointment this Friday so I'm going with him, to make sure David speaks about the episode and to make sure I take his medicine home with me.

Dailies #15

Sorry it has been so long since I checked in - between the weather, stomach flu, work and travel to visit David, this last month has passed in a wind swept fog. David is doing better than he was over the holidays - after Christmas I could tell that he was still struggling - holing up in his apartment and showing little interest in doing much else - I tried to visit at least once a week -sometimes twice a week - but things slowly improved - he started back to class the first week of January and just having some reason to get up, dressed, and out the door seemed to work miracles. He has had some problems sleeping and we have upped his seroquel to 100mg. I finally got him into a psyciatrist at OSU - the appointment is the 27th - so I am hopeful that this will turn out to be someone he can call when he is experiencing changes in symtoms. On a different note - I have been accepted into a Phd program from Walden University in clinical psychology - though I will have to attend a couple of residencies a year and complete a year long internship locally towards the end of the program, most of the courses I will complete online which will give me greater flexibility - a bonus I don't have to emphasize is crucial in caring for David.

Also in the last two weeks I have been wading through The Noonday Demon - though this description might suggest a boring read, this book is in fact a thought provoking look at depression. The author weaves the painful experience of his own illness through a comprehensive discussion of depression as a medical, philisophical, social, and political issue. The book is slow reading due to the depth of discussion, but is well worth the effort. The author does not shy away from controversial topics, such as his own homosexuality and his views on suicide as an option when someone is in a terminal or hopeless condition. Though I did not agree with all of his ehical conclusions, I was intriqued by the questions he raises, particularly about the relation between personal identity and mental illness, and about the idea that depression is possibly an evolutionary positive trait.

#36 cont.

Christmas Eve was another late night - I again vigilantly watched David until I was sure he was asleep - so to say I was tired Christmas morning would be an understatement - but thankfully David awoke calmer and seemed more relaxed than he had been since he arrived - I fixed roasted chicken and rosemary potatoes for dinner because I know he doesn't like ham - after speaking with my mom and mother-in-law we decided to fore go our usual routine of everyone coming back out for dinner - we thought David didn't need any more stimulation and chaos.
We spent the day quietly watching South Park for hours - David had received two new seasons for Christmas - usually the show would grate on my nerves - but this day I was happy to curl up on the couch and watch episode after episode with David who seemed to be using the show as a means to get back his equilibrium - everything went great till evening when one of David's so called friends called - I heard him say that he didn't want to do anything tonight - that he just wanted to spend time with the family - but his friend wouldn't let it go - by the time he got off the phone he had plans to go out - he assured me "just for a little bit" - I worried - but then I reasoned that since he seemed so good today maybe a trip out wouldn't be so bad - of course I was wrong -
I walked over to the neighbors for a while to wish them Merry Christmas and to keep my mind off David - We only stayed for a couple of hours - but by the time we returned David was a mess - he had arrived home just before us and I don't know what he had done or how many drinks he had, but he was lying smack dab on the kitchen floor mumbling senseless things - his "friends" had just left him there - the next two hours I spent helping him onto the couch and trying to keep him under control - he began wandering around the house knocking into things, falling down - he shed his clothes piece by piece - his jeans in the kitchen - a shirt in the living room - he was buck naked by the time he wandered down and tried to go to bed in his old bed - now his younger brother's - needless to say his younger brother made a quick escape to the couch and left David to his old bed.
Up early I called my mom and told her the situation - I knew then that I had to get him back home that day - before something terrible happened - I couldn't tell him he couldn't go out with his friends without precipitating a fight - which could send him in Lord knows what direction - but I could not go through another night like the previous one. So I packed up all his clean laundry, presents, and cat and woke him up a half an hour before my mom was to arrive - still confused he wandered around the house in his boxers - he mumbled "what if I don't want to go?" - I acted as if I didn't hear him and kept bustling around getting him ready - unfortunately he could only find one shoe and one flip flop so he was in quite a state when Mom arrived - his hair uncombed and unwashed - the same stained shirt from the day before and one sandal and one shoe - in a rush I packed his stuff - put the cat carrier with the protesting cat in the back seat and gave him a long hug "I love you son" - then he was gone -
I walked straight to the bedroom, locked the door and lay on the bed to cry for an hour - I missed his physical presence so bad - I felt awful for pushing him out the door - deep down I knew I had done the right thing but that didn't help the memory of the look on his face that seemed to say "you don't want me"

Dailies #14

For those waiting for the rest of my Christmas tale - it will be forthcoming - but today I just wanted to comment on a book that has helped me get though this season - though not new - it was new to me and gave me some insight into the larger national view of the mental health issue in the country - which let me look outside of my own troubles



This book is written with those whose family member suffers from mental illness in mind, but it is much more than an advice manual. Rosalynn Carter has been an advocate for mental health issues for decades. Her book discusses the problems facing not only individuals and their families, but also the challenges we face as a country as we try to alleviate mental illness, not only in our own communities, but worldwide. Carter inspires hope, at the same time as she urges action for those concerned with the issue. After briefing the reader on the history of mental health policy, she looks towards the future and the many things that still need to be done in prevention, awareness, research, and advocacy. This book was a pleasant read and gives those of us in the midst of personal struggles a vision of a larger community.

#36 cont.

I couldn't sleep the night before Christmas Eve - images of last year kept playing in my mind - the 911 call - the struggle with David as they fought to get him into the ambulance - the surreal trip to the hospital - I just could not sleep till David was safe and sound asleep and in his nervous state that didn't arrive till 4:00 am. And so Christmas Eve began in a fog and with a prayer - so far - so good - just please help us through this day.
The first grandmother's went surprisingly well - David interacted with the family in what I have come to recognize as falsely cheery talk - many in the family took his cheer for reality and gave me quick hugs for congratulations that things were going well - I, however knew too much to let the illusion comfort me into a lull in my vigilance. My nerves began to feel like stretched rubber bands inside and I fought to hide my anxiety behind smiles and murmured small talk.
The second grandmother's was when I began to see the signs that the day was wearing on David - he still smiled obediently and opened his gifts - but I saw the furtive glances around the room and the agitation that was growing in his eyes - my instincts were confirmed when I heard him ask his sister in a whisper - "where are we"? Elizabeth glanced at me to see if I had heard ,then answered bravely "We're at Grandma G's for Christmas" - "Oh, yes, of course"he answered - "these holiday things are just getting me confused." David spent most of the rest of the time outside "getting some air."
Finally at home to prepare for the last gift exchange of the evening - I felt my nerves unwind a bit - at least half the day was behind us - but David's agitation seemed to get just worst - he wandered over to the neighbor's and must have started drinking because the next time I saw him he was more agitated and now slurring - as always I thought of what my parents, and cousins who would be there soon would think - but then I pushed those ideas aside - I am not David's keeper and it would be better for those who love him to see him in his bad moments as well as his good - if we want him to be with us as a family - we must learn to except him as he is, not as we wish he were. To be cont...

#36 The Christmas that Came and Went

I must confess that I have been avoiding writing this post from rank superstition - In the past many times I have uttered the words "he's doing better" only to have things fall into chaos the next day - so I refuse to say we are safely through the holiday season - there is still New Years and then at least two long winter months that are setting up to be particularly gray and damp. Instead I will simply describe the Christmas that came upon me as a shadow and went with a tear.
I begin my tale last Christmas when I threw myself into preparation and fairly reeked of positive Holiday spirit - of course it was in some ways a front - down deep I was worried and still carrying the grief of David's first attempt around - but I approached Christmas with hope that if I could make this one Christmas perfect it would in some way heal my family and wipe away the fear and despair that has plagued us in the previous months. Instead, as long time readers know - Christmas Eve found me in the ICU with David who had once again attempted to escape this world.
So this Christmas I approached on tippy toes - I quenched as much as possible any bubbling of holiday cheer - of course I prepared and baked and bought and wrapped - but all the while I whispered to myself "do not hope for too much - don't be surprised or disappointed if disaster strikes" and the days slipped by as they are wont to do and it was four days before Christmas. I drove to Columbus on edge to pick up David and his cat Jewel - soon I knew I had reason to worry - he called me two times on the way up - sounding manic and scared "It's happening again Mom, I just know I'll do the same thing as last year - I'm getting depressed" I thought if he was depressed it must be a mixed state - which is the most dangerous of all - I did my best to calm him and assured him that this year would be different. But did I believe it myself?
In a whirl I gathered up the cat, his things and my moody son and made it home - the two hours filled with ear splitting, depressing songs that he many times sang along with. The next day he seemed better, but by night he was again falling - he told me that he couldn't stay home for Christmas - he was afraid of what he might do and that he would rather be back in his apartment with his cat alone - tearfully I told him that I could not get through Christmas thinking of him alone so far away - was I thinking of only myself? Did I do the right thing my insisting he stay? To be cont.

Dailies #13

Harrah! One quarter behind us - with tons of encouragement, pleading, and worrying David finished his finals and has received his grades - not the grades he wanted - but a wonderful accomplishment none the less - My husband and I went up to visit him yesterday - I cleaned the apartment and stocked him up on food so I hope it will be a good start for this holiday season. David seemed better - he had mentioned becoming what he calls "pychotic" over Thanksgiving so I suggested he take at least 50mg of seroquel every night - he has been and has been sleeping better as well - now to get through Christmas - our next big hurtle - wish us well - I'll update you as the day approaches.

This news piece deals with some of the issues facing those of us with mentally ill kids leaving for college - an interesting read

Amherst Times - OFF TO COLLEGE ALONE, SHADOWED BY MENTAL ILLNESS

Dailies #12

This last weekend has been mixed - I got David to the doctor Friday so he could get his medicine refilled - he only stayed home fifteen minutes - seemed tense and on edge the whole time - the next day I thought he had watched the Ohio/Michigan game with his uncle - but when I finally talked to him Sunday evening I found out he had stayed in his apartment instead alone - and he was slipping - sounded depressed - didn't seem to care about anything - said he wasn't coming home for thanksgiving because he didn't like turkey - I had my brother go over to check on him and try to talk him into walking over to his place - David would not leave his apartment. Trying not to panic I waited awhile then called back - he told me he was so good that he wasn't even going to mention either one of the movies he was supposed to be analyzing in the paper he was working on - I asked "but isn't that what the paper is about?" he just laughed. Now I started praying - he seemed so far away - I called my brother again - he said he would call him back. I forced myself to wait two hours before calling again - telling myself that there are some things you just can't control. David answered and immediately began to talk cheerily about an upcoming movie and what he wanted for Christmas. Though relieved I knew this mood could be a symptom of mania - I reminded him to take his medicine, told him I loved him, and bid him good night - then like many other nights I lay in bed praying that the good night would not turn into goodbye.


This is an excellent article by a woman suffering from schizoaffective disorder - gives a perspective from the inside.
A mind taut with pain - Health - Times Online

#35 Between Hope and Despair

The holidays are marching in with plans for get togethers, baking, shopping trips - in years past this time of year has been my favorite - Even last year I threw myself into the season - in an attempt to make it the best Christmas ever, a kind of celebration that David was still with us - In this I made a grave mistake and missed the important signs that were pointing to the fact that David was headed into depression and another attempt at suicide. This year I feel quite ambivalent - confused as to which way to turn - on one hand my usual excitement is building - I am beginning to make lists and plans - but in a way I hesitate to even think of the Holiday - I am becoming ultra vigilant watching David's every move - hoping that the season will not affect him as it did last year - and as I watch - I see odd signs that things might not be as well as I hoped - for instance I have been going up at least once a week to clean his apartment, take up his medicine, and bring back his laundry. This week I bought a cheap set of sheets so that I could bring his back to wash and he mentioned that he had only slept in his bed a few times - it then dawned on me that his bedroom looked unlived in - in fact it appeared that he spent most of his time on the futon in front of the TV watching SouthPark - all the seasons were spread out over the floor and every time I walked in the show was on - with the same episodes he has watched at least a hundred times each. I suggested that he come home the next day to stay a night since he is about out of medicine - still on the waiting list at the new psychiatrist - and our family doctor said if he came in he would write a couple months worth of his medicine - David mumbled some excuses and refused - and it was then that I knew he had built himself a tight routine in a tight space not doubt for reassurance - the familiar was comforting to him - and now that I think on it - he really hasn't been going anywhere except class, my brother's apartment, and the occasional dinner out with his grandma - he must feel safest there in his own spot with SouthPark playing over and over - I think of him as a child - always upset when his structure was threatened. He has said that he's coming home for Thanksgiving, but now I wonder how hard it will be to get him to leave his nest - and what is he pushing out by these self isolating actions - the Holidays - the same winter blues that snowballed into madness last year. Should I be concerned about this? Should I force him to come home for the holidays? I really don't know if he refuses if I could stand carrying on as usual thinking of him sitting alone on his futon, eating roman noodles and watching Kenny die for the billionth time - or am I not being realistic - I think sometimes I give into the illusion that this illness will someday just be gone - I must remind myself that my son is mentally ill and as long as he is content in the life he is living - why should I urge him to change?

Good Advice

This article seems relevant considering my current concerns.

Bipolar Disorder: Holiday Tips for Family & Friends

Dailies #11

Good news for a change - things are going fairly well - David is getting to class - most of the time and seems to be settled into the routine of living on his own. I do go up to his apartment at least once a week to clean and take back his laundry to wash. I also take up only a week's worth of medicine at a time - though things seem to be OK - I've learned from harsh experience that his moods can take a downward turn quickly. The only issue that is nagging at my mind is his growing obsession with his grades - David will never come right out and say something is bothering him - but if I listen closely to his conversations I can usually pick up clues, and he has been speaking incessantly about what grades he thinks he may end the quarter with - A, B, C and a Pass on his survey class - I think that's great for a any first year freshman, neverless one struggling with the obstacles David does, but he seems to feel he should have done better - I assure his that those grades are fine and listen carefully for any hints that this new worry of his doesn't spur him into a depression.

This article I found to be tentatively hopeful - I know for me and many other parents and loved ones there is always this hidden, mostly unspoken fear that this illness will end in suicide. This study from Ireland adds buoyancy to our hopes.
http://www.irishhealth.com/?level=4&id=10535

Dailies #10

Sorry it's been song long - parenting long distance and also keeping up with work, a son in football and another teen, is exhausting - but enough complaints - I should be giving thanks instead. David is doing well - he did have a rough week, missing two of his 7:30 classes - he said he couldn't sleep all night - I think he was manic - probably from skipping meds - he wanted to drop the class because, as I mentioned before, he is a perfectionist when it comes to school work. I explained to him that he couldn't - he would fall below full time status and injure his scholarship and grant status - so instead he e-mailed his instructor about his mental illness and then had his councilor at the Office of Disability send a letter about his problems. The result shows that David getting accepted into the Disability program was the most important step in attending college - he was able to make up the work and now is back on track - the other great thing about his Disability status is that he received one of the first windows of registration for winter quarter - I prompted him to pick his classes and then I went online and registered for him - next quarter he only has class four days a week instead of five and no class starts before 12:30.
He as usual still has what I would call "odd moments" - a couple of days ago he made his, at least daily phone call in the evening - he said "it was pretty cold today" - then he went on to say that between classes he had sat outside for two hours reading the Iliad - I asked why he didn't go into a coffee shop or library - he replied that he didn't have any money and that libraries were now obsolete - I pictured him sitting on the stairs somewhere on that huge campus, his long hair (he still refuses to have it cut) hanging in his face, reading Homer - I just wanted to give him a long hug - but since I am here and he is there - I settled for explaining that there are libraries at OSU - books haven't gone the way of the horse and buggy yet - promised to put money in his account the next day and told him that I loved him


Here is a story that demonstrates the importance of educating the general public about mental illness - I also thought it was interesting that the girl had a service dog - I had never read about one being used for such a role - but it makes sense

Wal-Mart turns away helper dog -- Page 1 -- Times Union - Albany NY

Dailies #9

David is in his new apartment and officially starts class on Wednesday - the first day he seemed do manage OK - my brother living so close helps, but tonight my mom stopped in to check and noticed that he had forgotten to take last night's meds and he couldn't figure out how to set his alarm - she thought him nervous and a bit manic - I know the upcoming trial of first day is working on him - I keep thinking positively and try not to worry constantly, but to say I am on edge would be an understatement - just thank the gods for my brother - he and my mom spent an hour organizing his apartment, took him out to dinner, and when my mom left my brother was busy printing out his schedule so he could drive him over and walk him through where his classes are tommorow - I will up date Wednesday -

Caregivers know from personal experience how much of a toll dealing with mental illness can be - this new study highlights some of these concerns

International Caregiver Survey Shows Treatment Disruption Has Serious Consequences for Families Living with Serious Mental Illness: Financial News - Yahoo! Finance

Dailies #8

Things have been busy and chaotic lately as I try to juggle getting David in an apartment (that should be accomplished before the end of the week), preparing for a new school year of teaching and maintaining the rest of the household. so far things have been going well; David was anxious to get his textbooks early and has already started reading them - he does seem a bit down this last couple of days - probably the stress of dealing with this upcoming change - I hope we can make the transition without precipitating a crisis. Myself I worry, worry, worry - I worry that his anxiety will overcome him the first couple of days - I worry that he will become lonely and depressed away from home - I worry that he will fail to take his medication. My list is never ending - but I know that for David to have a life of his own I have to stand back and walk away - of course I will still no doubt call him constantly and drive up to check on him often - but in the end I am here and he will be there and if something happens he will be alone - I have never felt more afraid in this tossing sea - I see my son drifting off with the current - he could be headed towards of tropical paradise or a brewing hurricane - either way I know I must let him go.

Another note - the following report of schizophrenia and teens is sobering and informative - something for parents to keep in mind when they struggle to understand why their kids do what they do.







PsychiatryMatters.MD

Dailies #7

I fear to even say this - I don't want to jinx myself, but things have taken a turn for the better - my husband is doing well - our relationship has been improving day by day - I have been taking him to his doctor's appointments and those have went well - The stomach doc says that he also has gatroparesis (a condition where the stomach doesn't empty fast enough) and has given him some further diet restrictions, but the time away and the diet seems to be healing not only his body, but his mind - he has gained a much more positive outlook and determination that we can get through these troubling times. And I am, as readers have suggested, going to have David, and the other children screened for Celiac. David also seems to be improving - no more comments about dreams blurring to reality or voices. We are going to get his apartment this coming week and he is very excited about that - I, of course am very nervous - but I'm sending his favorite cat, Jewel, with him and he will be living in the same apartment complex as his uncle - I am making a list of all the things we need to do to prepare - I know that for one I'm only going to give him three to four days of meds at a time - his uncle can hold the rest - and I am ordering his books for class early - he says he wants to start looking at them now - I think he is still having trouble concentrating so perhaps he can get a jump start on the reading which will help. It's raining here and gray today - remnants of Ernesto - but inside a beam of warmth and light has begun to shine - I feel happier and more confident that maybe things will work out OK - though don't get me wrong - I know with all our problems that many challenges await, but today, at least, I feel I have the strength to face them.

Dailies #6

The road is always paved with good intentions - I did hope and plan to write much more often, but life has once again thrown me into the bog and I have been trudging my way back onto calmer turf. As I mentioned last time my husband was diagnosed with Celiac Sprue; this diagnosis, coupled with the constant pain he has in his hips and back and the fact that he hasn't been able to work for over a year sent him into a tailspin. As his depression increased so did the arguments, not only between him and myself, but also between him and David - I won't go into the gory details of marital and family discord, but just note that the last month has been a kind of Hades - ending in a personal disaster - meanwhile David has begun to have more and more trouble distinguishing between reality and dreams - and last night I heard him tell someone (no one was there) to stop throwing things at him - he has been willing to take his Seroquel more often, but I believe that the stress associated with college approaching and his father's troubles is prompting these new problems. One brighter note is that my husband has realized the issue and is staying with our oldest daughter for a couple of weeks till we can get things smoothed over. - I am busy trying to get the mud of the bog off me and attempting once again to reevaluate and start again. Wish me luck and send me prayers!

Dailies #5

Been busy, busy this last two weeks - my husband has been officially diagnosed with Celiac Sprue so we have been adjusting to his gluten free diet - David had his orientation at OSU - we had to drive two hours to get there and by the time we did he had broken into a heavy sweat - "I don't know if I can do this," he said as we pulled into the parking lot - I coached him through the sign in process and then we drove to my brother's where David proceeded to have a full blown anxiety attack vomiting all day. I tell this story because I want to encourage persistence and a willingness to get help. If this is David's dream somehow we can make it happen - I called the Disability office at OSU and they arranged for David to come back up a couple of days later - and only for the advising session. We drove back up at the set time and this time David, knowing what to expect did great - he is now registered for Fall classes - one hurdle gone - however, I am trying to get him into a psychiatrist at OSU who can better manage his anxiety. Step by step we go - sometimes back, but always moving on.

Here is an interesting article which in a manner takes me to task for the previous passage - I do ask David if going to OSU is his dream and not mine - I hope he tells the truth when he says it is


Darien News - Teens Paying a Price for Privileged Lives

Dailies #4

Back into madness - David is slipping this last few days, not depressed but rather manic - I have read that the summer months many times are the worst for those suffering from mania - so maybe that's it. He left early yesterday afternoon with one of his friends, saying he would be right back - I didn't see him again till six this morning when he bounced into my bedroom quite out of his mind - after a trying morning and afternoon he is fast asleep and I hope he remains so till tomorrow morning. And as when it rains it pours, my husband is now obsessing with the thought that he is going to die in this procedure Tuesday - he wants to make out a will. I keep telling him that he will be fine - but he has went on so long that he's managed to get me nervous about Tuesday as well.
On a different track - I just finished the best book I've read all year - Joan Didion's memoir - The Year of Magical Thinking - you can read more about it on resources.

Dailies #3

Today we are struggling - David was rather agitated and manic last night and this morning - wanting to start an argument about anything and everything - by morning he admitted he was manic and managed to get to sleep after he took his medicine. It might be the tension in the house bringing it on - my husband is having a scope and biopsy done the 18th to find out what has been causing malabsorption and consequently osteoporosis - he always has anxiety about medical procedures and this one is unfortunately scheduled on the second year anniversary of his brother's death - he has been telling the kids and me that he probably won't make it and if he doesn't what he wants us to know - I'm sure this is playing into David's agitation and I am having to deal with both of them - thank goodness for the new Lexapro!

On another note here is an easy to read discussion for those concerned with increased risk of suicide with antidepressant use. It is actually a brief course for mental health professional, but can be understood by a layperson.

PsychiatryMatters.MD