Sunday, December 31, 2006

#36 The Christmas that Came and Went

I must confess that I have been avoiding writing this post from rank superstition - In the past many times I have uttered the words "he's doing better" only to have things fall into chaos the next day - so I refuse to say we are safely through the holiday season - there is still New Years and then at least two long winter months that are setting up to be particularly gray and damp. Instead I will simply describe the Christmas that came upon me as a shadow and went with a tear.
I begin my tale last Christmas when I threw myself into preparation and fairly reeked of positive Holiday spirit - of course it was in some ways a front - down deep I was worried and still carrying the grief of David's first attempt around - but I approached Christmas with hope that if I could make this one Christmas perfect it would in some way heal my family and wipe away the fear and despair that has plagued us in the previous months. Instead, as long time readers know - Christmas Eve found me in the ICU with David who had once again attempted to escape this world.
So this Christmas I approached on tippy toes - I quenched as much as possible any bubbling of holiday cheer - of course I prepared and baked and bought and wrapped - but all the while I whispered to myself "do not hope for too much - don't be surprised or disappointed if disaster strikes" and the days slipped by as they are wont to do and it was four days before Christmas. I drove to Columbus on edge to pick up David and his cat Jewel - soon I knew I had reason to worry - he called me two times on the way up - sounding manic and scared "It's happening again Mom, I just know I'll do the same thing as last year - I'm getting depressed" I thought if he was depressed it must be a mixed state - which is the most dangerous of all - I did my best to calm him and assured him that this year would be different. But did I believe it myself?
In a whirl I gathered up the cat, his things and my moody son and made it home - the two hours filled with ear splitting, depressing songs that he many times sang along with. The next day he seemed better, but by night he was again falling - he told me that he couldn't stay home for Christmas - he was afraid of what he might do and that he would rather be back in his apartment with his cat alone - tearfully I told him that I could not get through Christmas thinking of him alone so far away - was I thinking of only myself? Did I do the right thing my insisting he stay? To be cont.

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