Wednesday, July 05, 2006

#33 The Saddest of Truths

David is doing ok these last two weeks, but he has been continuing some habits I wish he wouldn't - spending money recklessly - spending his time aimlessly - I want to change him - to make him quit drinking and buying skoal - to force him to save money - to get him to start his day before two in the afternoon - but alas I cannot - and that hits hard at the main illusion of motherhood - we our not our children - although our blood may run through their veins - their soul and mind are separate and inpenetrable - they are their own persons and we can give advice, scold, cry, and threaten, but in the end all of us - each human on this spinning planet can only truly control themselves and that is the saddest of truths - since we can't control the ones they love they will do things we don't approve of - they will do things that will hurt us - they may even commit the ultimate betrayal and die. To watch a love one die is the ultimate lesson in our lack of control - a couple of months ago I lost my grandmother and I was impressed as I sat on her bedside watching for every tortuous breath, dreading the moment when there would be no more, that we are indeed alone in this world - in the beginning and in the end - and to love - oh! to love is to bring heartbreak upon yourself - but to not? To not love is to miss those exquisite moments when our barriers break down and we can truly connect to another being - to not have loved is to not have lived - and so I wait for those moments when with a smile David turns to me and we converse - not fight - when we agree on a movie, or a book. Those rare moments are what make this difficult road worth walking.

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