Dailies #4

Back into madness - David is slipping this last few days, not depressed but rather manic - I have read that the summer months many times are the worst for those suffering from mania - so maybe that's it. He left early yesterday afternoon with one of his friends, saying he would be right back - I didn't see him again till six this morning when he bounced into my bedroom quite out of his mind - after a trying morning and afternoon he is fast asleep and I hope he remains so till tomorrow morning. And as when it rains it pours, my husband is now obsessing with the thought that he is going to die in this procedure Tuesday - he wants to make out a will. I keep telling him that he will be fine - but he has went on so long that he's managed to get me nervous about Tuesday as well.
On a different track - I just finished the best book I've read all year - Joan Didion's memoir - The Year of Magical Thinking - you can read more about it on resources.

Dailies #3

Today we are struggling - David was rather agitated and manic last night and this morning - wanting to start an argument about anything and everything - by morning he admitted he was manic and managed to get to sleep after he took his medicine. It might be the tension in the house bringing it on - my husband is having a scope and biopsy done the 18th to find out what has been causing malabsorption and consequently osteoporosis - he always has anxiety about medical procedures and this one is unfortunately scheduled on the second year anniversary of his brother's death - he has been telling the kids and me that he probably won't make it and if he doesn't what he wants us to know - I'm sure this is playing into David's agitation and I am having to deal with both of them - thank goodness for the new Lexapro!

On another note here is an easy to read discussion for those concerned with increased risk of suicide with antidepressant use. It is actually a brief course for mental health professional, but can be understood by a layperson.

PsychiatryMatters.MD

News Brief

Magic mushrooms for depression? This article's a bit bizarre - but interesting - note I'm not suggesting we all dig out our tie die and go searching for the lost age of Aquarius - but still food for thought!

The Seattle Times: Nation & World: Mushrooms' active ingredient expands the mind, study finds

Dailies #2

Just a quick note - the doctor prescribed me a new antidepressant, lexapro, which I began to take yesterday - the only thing I can say for sure is that I had some trouble going to sleep yesterday and woke up at 5:30 this morning with a nervous energy - I'm sure I'll crash later, but it sure is nice to not be dragging myself out of bed.

#34 My Son

Pride - a monster if you let it control your thoughts and actions - this point was brought home to me the other night - I was pleasantly surprised that all three of the kids, yes including David, decided to go with me to see the midnight showing of Pirates of the Caribbean - It's a momentous occasion when teens submit to being seen in public with their mom. And so we packed up in the car and headed out - in the glow of this unexpected parental accomplishment I had failed to closely take into account how David was dressed - his clothes were wrinkled and somewhat stained, but I could have lived with that - but perched upon what appeared to be quite dirty hair - when was his last shower? - was a bandana and a hat with a large marijuana leaf on it - the other two kids must have noticed his strange appearance as well for they shot off in all directions when we arrived - the travesty of being seen with not only your mother - but your strangely dressed and dirty brother. And I must say that I myself fought a rising emotion - could it be shame? I noticed the stares and giggles - the whispers - I found myself wanting to bolt - shame on my mother's heart - he is my son! I pushed down those troubling thoughts and worked on enjoying the moment - it had been years since all the kids had went to a movie together and when we got into the showing - full - alas we all had to sit together despite the other two's efforts - and as I sat beside my son - my nose confirming that it had been a few days since his last shower I wanted nothing more than to reach over and give this son of mine a hug - I am proud of him - proud that he is here alive enjoying this movie - what should I care what people think - of course I don't give him a hug - that would no doubt embarrass him!

Dailies #1

I have decided, have determined, have promised myself and you my readers that I will in the future post almost everyday and so I am posting this first daily thoughts - to be separated from the usual journal entries, where I will still deal with more serious, deeper issues. In this first edition, as it is, I want to share a small victory with David last night - a couple of his, what I would call good timing friends stopped by and he made up an excuse, not to go with them - now you may not see the victory in this - and afterall he did tell a fib - but to me it was a positive step, however small to see him choose to stay home and play video games with his brother rather than go out towards possible trouble.
Now a note about me - my MS doctor called today and said that the results of some recent testing showed that I had some slight attention and short term memory problems - I thought surprise, surprise - she feels the problem may be caused by stress and depression more than anything else - again surprise, surprise - she's going to change my medicine and suggests counseling - however I have lately been trying to get my stress level under control through walking - Yoga (haven't quite got to this one yet) and what I would call reading therapy - another term for pure escapism. Anyways I have felt better and hope that these changes will help - and by the way I forgot - surprise - to mention that I have posted some new resources, one heavy, depressing, though wonderful memoir, one light information text, and one for pure escape - happy reading!

#33 The Saddest of Truths

David is doing ok these last two weeks, but he has been continuing some habits I wish he wouldn't - spending money recklessly - spending his time aimlessly - I want to change him - to make him quit drinking and buying skoal - to force him to save money - to get him to start his day before two in the afternoon - but alas I cannot - and that hits hard at the main illusion of motherhood - we our not our children - although our blood may run through their veins - their soul and mind are separate and inpenetrable - they are their own persons and we can give advice, scold, cry, and threaten, but in the end all of us - each human on this spinning planet can only truly control themselves and that is the saddest of truths - since we can't control the ones they love they will do things we don't approve of - they will do things that will hurt us - they may even commit the ultimate betrayal and die. To watch a love one die is the ultimate lesson in our lack of control - a couple of months ago I lost my grandmother and I was impressed as I sat on her bedside watching for every tortuous breath, dreading the moment when there would be no more, that we are indeed alone in this world - in the beginning and in the end - and to love - oh! to love is to bring heartbreak upon yourself - but to not? To not love is to miss those exquisite moments when our barriers break down and we can truly connect to another being - to not have loved is to not have lived - and so I wait for those moments when with a smile David turns to me and we converse - not fight - when we agree on a movie, or a book. Those rare moments are what make this difficult road worth walking.