Saturday, May 14, 2005

14# It's You and Me Against the World

The break gave me time to recharge a bit and I thought I was ready to take back up the load the next morning. The day started well; David called and was very excited because they had told him he would be going home the following day. I said this was great and that I would see him that evening, but in my mind a hundred things began to flit around. I tried to pin one down: I needed to get his room finished - clean floor - make the bed up with new bedding - we needed to put up the hunting rifle - where should we take it - the pills - where would I keep the pills. My mind was busied with a list of things that must be accomplished before he came home - and so I managed to push out a rising panic about his homecoming. But slowly as the busy day passed something began to take over - a rising river of fear inch by inch began to seep into my awareness. The fear felt primitive and overwhelming - it urged me to run - to run fast, far, far away. It wasn't till the drive home from the hospital that evening that I realized what I so feared - it was the crushing responsibility of caring for a possibly suicidal son - Half of me wanted nothing more than to have him safe under our roof - to have that comforting physical proximity - but would he be safe? And if he wasn't whose fault would that be? And I knew right then how much my life, not only my son's had been altered irreparably - for a could not fool myself into believing that anyone else, not even my husband, who was himself on mental thin ice, could or would carry this burden. It was like bringing home that first fragile infant and knowing that whatever may come, when you boiled it down to the core; I could look at this fellow human whose fate is primarily, with God's help, in my hands and say, well it's you and me against the world, kid. To Be Cont.

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