#24 All The King's Horses

Have you ever noticed that the dreams we hold on to the hardest and longest are the ones we hold for others - but they often are not solid dreams, but rather ethereal clouds of illusion, built on our own vanities - so it is with illusions that I have held about my daughter Elizabeth, only two years younger than David, she has suffered, perhaps the most of all his siblings.  It was on her birthday that he chose to try to end his existence - and in doing so greatly altered hers -A year ago Elizabeth was the typical Freshman - bubbly, enthusiastic - she was chosen Freshman attendant for Football and enjoyed her moment in the spotlight - she had many friends, was on the swim team and the yearbook staff.  - Then Jan 4th arrived and on her 15th birthday I made a cake - we sang Happy Birthday -  David sang it in Spanish - then (as we found out later) he went down to his room to write a suicide note, telling all his family how much he loved us.  --- Who, at 15, so close to her brother, could have come out unscathed - I had Elizabeth to a councilor for awhile but she seemed so much better - she stopped going - over the summer she appeared fine - but older - not the bubbly, carefree girl we had known - her sophomore year has brought her change to the forefront - she can't relate to her peers any more- their happy teenage chatter is making her anxious - she feels so different from then to now - she has started having nightmares and migraines - she has begged me to let her either take high school online like her brother does or take all post secondary at the local college - For the longest time I refused stubbornly until day by day I saw her misery at being somewhere she no longer felt she belonged - I realized it wasn't for her dreams that I wanted her to stay in the normal high school pattern but for my own illusions - and so I have relented and agreed to check on alternatives - like so much in my life I will have to learn to live with change - All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again and neither can I glue back the pieces of our family back the way they were -